Deciding who to invite is rarely hard because of the number. It is hard because every name comes with a relationship, an expectation and sometimes a person who will have feelings about it. The way through is to decide on principles first and apply them to names second, so that you are not re-arguing the list one person at a time.
This guide is about deciding who is on the list. For setting the size, tracking replies and trimming a list that is too long, see the guest list guide.
Start with the kind of day you want
Before you list anyone, agree between the two of you what the day is meant to feel like. A small dinner with the people closest to you and a large celebration with everyone who has been part of your lives are both valid, and they lead to very different lists.
Write down two or three words for the day, such as "intimate", "a big party" or "family-centred". When you reach a hard name, that description gives you something to measure against that is not just a feeling about the person.
A simple test for each name
For each person you are unsure about, ask three questions:
- Would the day feel different without them? If you would notice their absence, they are likely a yes.
- Have you actually been in touch in the last year or two? Not likes and comments, but a conversation, a visit or a message you both wrote.
- Are they here because you want them, or because you feel you should? Both are real reasons, but be honest about which it is.
A name that scores well on the first two is a strong yes. A name that is only there for the third reason is a "maybe", and is the first place to look if you need to cut.
A useful extra question when the list is large: if the venue held half as many people, would they still make it? If the answer is no, they are in the flexible part of the list.
Family: where to draw the line
Family is where lists grow fastest, because the boundary is unclear. Pick a rule you can state in one sentence, and apply it evenly:
- By closeness. Immediate family, plus aunts, uncles and cousins you actually see.
- By degree. Everyone up to a certain relationship, such as first cousins, and nobody beyond.
- All or none. If you invite one cousin, you invite all of them, which is easy to explain even though it can be large.
The "all or none" rule is the most defensible and the hardest on the budget, so check it against your number before you commit to it.
Friends
Friend groups blur at the edges. Instead of asking whether someone is "a friend", ask whether they are a friend now. People you were close to years ago and have not spoken with since can be among the easiest to leave off, and among the people most likely to understand.
When one person in a close group is invited, the rest of the group usually are too. If you cannot invite the whole group, decide that deliberately rather than leaving someone out by accident.
Coworkers
Coworkers are easiest to handle with a clear rule rather than individual judgement:
- invite the people you work closely with and socialise with outside work;
- invite your whole team or none of it;
- or invite no one from work.
Avoid a partial group, since that is where hurt feelings come from. Your boss is a judgement call and does not have to be on the list simply because of seniority.
Parents' friends and who is contributing
If your parents or other family are contributing financially, or simply have friends of their own they would like to include, agree a number early. A common approach is to give each set of parents an allocation to fill as they choose, so that you are not approving each name individually.
Have this conversation before you build the list, not after. It is much easier to share a number you both set than to remove names from a list people have already seen.
Plus-ones and partners
Choose one rule and use it for everyone. For example:
- partners of anyone married, engaged or in a long-term relationship are invited, and single guests are not given a plus-one;
- or every guest gets a plus-one;
- or nobody does, apart from partners.
The exact rule matters less than being able to describe it in a sentence and applying it to everyone, including your own friends and family.
Children
Decide this early because it changes your numbers and sometimes your venue. The common options are all children, family children only, or an adults-only wedding. Whichever you choose, say it plainly and warmly on your invitations and your wedding page, so nobody has to guess.
If you are making an exception, such as children in the wedding party, state that clearly so the rule still makes sense.
Exes and complicated relationships
There is no universal answer here, which is why it helps to decide once and not revisit it. Consider what the day will feel like for you, for your partner and for the guests you most care about. If someone's presence would put a person you love on edge, that is usually a reason to leave them off. If a former partner is part of a shared friend group and the relationship is genuinely friendly, you may feel differently.
Discuss this with your partner first, and agree before anyone else hears about it.
Keeping both sides fair
Aim for a list that feels balanced to both of you, even if the numbers are not exactly equal. A common starting point is that each of you has an equal share of the list, with a third for shared friends. If one side is much larger because of a big family, talk about it directly, and decide what feels fair, rather than letting it become a quiet tension.
Putting it on paper: yes, maybe, no
When you have the principles, build the list in three columns:
- Yes. The people you would be upset not to have there.
- Maybe. The people who pass some tests but not all. This is the part you fill in or trim based on your number and budget.
- No. The people who do not meet your rules. Writing them down matters, because it settles the question instead of leaving it open.
Review the "maybe" column together after you know your target number. You will often find that you have already made most of the decisions.
Saying no kindly
You do not need to justify a decision in detail. A short, warm explanation that applies to everyone is enough:
- "We're keeping the wedding small, so we've limited it to immediate family and our closest friends."
- "We're only able to invite a certain number, so we've kept it to people we see regularly."
- "We'd love to share the day with everyone, but the venue holds a limited number."
Avoid listing who is invited and who is not. Keep your answer the same for everyone, and keep it brief. Most people understand a wedding has to stop somewhere.
Good to know
Frequently asked questions
How do we decide who to invite to our wedding?
Decide your principles first, such as how you will handle family, coworkers, plus-ones and children, then apply them to every name. Sort people into yes, maybe and no, and use your guest number and budget to decide the maybes.
Do we have to invite everyone in a group if we invite one person?
You are not required to, but it often avoids hurt feelings. For tight groups, such as a close circle of friends or a set of cousins, either invite all of them or decide deliberately that you are not.
Should we invite coworkers?
Only if you want to. If you do, use a clear rule such as inviting people you work closely with, your whole team or no one, so there is no partial group.
What if our parents want to invite more people than we planned?
Talk about numbers before you build the list. Give each side an agreed allocation, particularly if they are contributing financially, so that you are not negotiating one name at a time.
Can we invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception?
You can, but it is easy for it to cause hurt feelings or confusion, so use it sparingly and be clear on the invitation. Many couples find it simpler to keep one list.
Put this into practice
Use your free Easy Perfect planner to turn this guide into a plan.